"Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile” - Nat King Cole
This song. It’s in my head and won’t leave but it also effectively describes my mood currently. I love my husband but it appears that I really must fresh start my whole “intimacy” with him every time he comes home from a deployment. This is the only logical conclusion I’ve come to seeing as how it’s silly to have a conceived notion of us having sex when e first comes home. I look at the long event that will be our Christmas leave. I think of the troubles and issues that we will come across not in having a relaxing time but in the over all conclusion that there will be no sex.
Maybe there is something wrong. Maybe I’ve fucked up. Maybe I’m not thin enough or pretty enough maybe he just doesn’t find me sexually attractive. Maybe we were just two people so desperately alone and in need of finding someone who would take us how we are that we bonded together and took it too far.
Maybe I don’t know him at all.
Is this just the after effects I me having given my virginity to him and me not being his first?
How do I talk to him about it? He doesn’t want to talk about having sex. He doesn’t want to talk about intimacy. He doesn’t want to talk about ways to make our sex life anything more or above what it is: six to twelve times a year. Does he say he want a kid but doesn’t want to do the baby making part of it? Why can’t I let this just go? Ahhhrrrrrgggg.
Regardless of what it is. I’ll just try to follow the song and smile.
There is a point that I wonder what is going on in my subconscious. In all points and accounts I should be in a great mood I had a week off. I have friends to hang out with and projects to do and a bunch of other great things.
Yet I’m pissy and upset. And want to snap at the people around me. Blah. Hormones I guess. /rage quit life.
You sir, are intoxicating. You have infiltrated my dreams and cause me hours of sweet sleep. I wake with the images of you teasing my mind. Wishing you were next to me. Silly as it may seem to say, but you’re the man of my dreams.
In those dreams where reality is nigh and contracts are naught I know every curve of your body. From your ears to you knees I know how your body curves, how each one feels in my hands, and how you lips taste.
But that is a dream. A dream of fancy. Child’s play at best. Yet still in reality I am ensnared. I cannot escape the idea of my dreams. I cannot do more then sit silently and wait for more dreams though they rarely come when I want them to.
I see your name and my heart thumps. I see your face and a smile quickens upon my lips. The feelings over take me and I cannot help but become more entangled into your trap. Each time my heart, my mind make a move back to reality you trigger it all again. My heart, my mind, my body, my soul is engulfed in every idea, every phantom of you. Perhaps its love or perhaps it is lust that drags me willing back into your arms. It matters not for I am a willing participant of this game.
A word here, I smile at your voice. A joke there, I’m inthralled at your implication. A small touch, I shiver inwardly so that I might not let my thoughts, my feelings, my desires be known.
Unable to forget. Unable to let it show. I am the slave you will never know.
In the cool folds of darkness the world of sleep eludes me. Safe and sound. Carefree and calm. I know not why but I fight with my subconscious on who should be dominate over my brain. I will lose in the end. For a multiple of hours and once I reclaim myself I will be happy and rested. This still doesn’t explain why sleep is chased away right now. Hopefully I’ll get an answer but until then I’ll wait and watch the stars move across the sky.
You should live each day with the intentions of being unforgettable to someone.
There are times when I question what is happening around me. Is this the life that I wanted? Is this the things I dreamt of? Part of me says no. That is the part of me that fights. She looks at herself in the mirror and refuses to believe what other people told her. “Fat” “Ugly” “Stupid” “Slut” “Whore” “Four-Eyes” The list continues but they are just words and they lose power when the people saying them are insignificant. Countless times I’ve wondered what shaped me into who I am. What curved my sexual desires. What started my fantasies.
Part of me knows what caused it. That is the part of me that wants so badly that the other half has to hold her back. The desire to trust. To utterly and completely trust someone. That is a beautiful and precious thing. There is a fine line that is between the two.
On the one hand I want to be dominated. I want to be told. I want to trust someone enough to do that. The part of me that wants that, to at least experience that in some way is saddened greatly by the fact that she honest to truth doesn’t believe she will find it. Doesn’t believe she will get that.
On the other I want to be in control. To know what is happening at all times. I need a balance. I need something. I just feel… like I’m lacking.
I want to feel my pulse quicken and my heart beat. I want to hear myself laugh again. A real laugh. This sudo-ok to super stressed depressed state doesn’t really work for me. Wow it is 4:30am already. Proof that my insomnia is active again.
Here is to hoping we all find that balance in our lives.
When in a relationship we often find ourselves in situations, both big and small, where problems arise. Why is it so important that we win or lose every situation?
This particular question arises from the purchase of a new router and my husband’s opinion of what the new router password will be. He has picked out a router of a brand that I don’t trust and have has issues with in the past. Now I am stuck with it. I didn’t fight over this. I proceeded to comment on what the new router password will be. I had created and memorized our old one, a more complex combination of numbers. He could never remember the password though once it was saved on his devices it really didn’t matter.
Any way. We started going back and forth over the password. Taking my extremely good mood and great day I was having and slowly turning it down into a moderate to bad day.
Lines of the argument included but were not limited to:
Him- “Why do you want to use that type of password any way it’s too long and confusing?”
Me - “Because I want no excuse or chance of anyone guessing the password.”
Him- “No one is going to guess that password and if they can get past the password on the router they can get past your bank password and that’s the more important one to keep safe.”(implying that my bank password is simple and easy to guess. Which it is not.)
Me - “Why are you making such a big deal out of this? I just want the router to be protected and locked”
Him - “Why are you making such a big deal out of this I just want a different password.”
Me - “And I just want to feel like its secure”
There were more points thrown about including about how it wasn’t that difficult to memorize the code.
Needless to say his final statement of the argument was “Why can’t I just get what I want?” I made a choice. I could have gone into a number of reasons why or rather a number of arguments that would have ended up making. Both our days worse. Or I could bite the bullet.
I bit the bullet. Some place in the back of my mind all I could hear was pick your battles.
I told him in a voice that the kids I look after would know for unhappy and more then a bit pissed off. He either didn’t pick up on it or didn’t care.
Now I’m sitting here questioning what battles I want to fight and what ones I want to accept defeat on. What I want to fight for and what isn’t worth my time.
Let go of the little things and let the big things be what causes waves and wake in the waters of your life.
- Z & B
A howl in the distance. The moon waxed above, in a night sky full of stars. I here the call. The laughter on the wind, the too dark shadows in the trees. The children of the night are out to play. I can feel it in my bones. This is what I’ve lived for. The electricity in the air, humming with excitement. A swift movement catches my eye and I see it fully for the first time, him. The Prince of Darkness.
He smiles and walks into the trees. I follow at a quick pace. ‘I will not lose him this time’ I tell myself as my heart starts to pound. I see him a few trees away. He turns to me and winks. I look back at the house and turn to look at him again. He is gone. “No” My voice echoes in my throat. I stand there looking at the spot where he stood. Sighing I walk over, bending to touch where he left an impression in the grass.
I catch it then, his sweet smell. I try to follow it. Running faster and faster, using my nose as my only guide, further into the forest. I follow his sent until it is gone. “No” I cried allowed this time, my own voice sounding hollow and lonely to my own ears. I lean against a near by tree, moonlight cascading through the branches leaving hauntingly beautiful shadows playing across my body. Looking around and seeing nothing that looks familiar I try to stay calm. Tears start to fall before I realize it . Using the tree as a brace I slide down till I can pull my knees to my head. Lost and scared I sit there waiting for my mind to come up with a plan to get me back home. Lost in thought, I didn’t notice the shadows change and a large shadow falling across me.
“Why do you weep my little night flower?” A voice, like velvets touch to the ears, purrs. I freeze in fear. When I give no response he gently placed a finger under my chin and raises my face to look at him. I gasp at the sight of his face so close to mine. What they said was true. This prince‘s face is perfection. His eyes seemed to be carved in part form the glaciers that sit atop this world. His dark black hair looked as fine and as smooth as silk.
Watching my reaction to him he smiles at me and asks again. “Why do you weep my little night flower?”
Inhaling his sent deeply I try to speak but the words don’t come. I try again but still nothing. I take in a third deep breath and I start to feel calm and safe. I look up into his eyes and speak.
“I thought I had lost you.”
“‘Lost me?’ Never…” He smiled slowly, his eyes locking with mine.
The wind picked up for a moment and blew his sent into the air. It surrounded me, swallowed me and threatened to never let go. I closed my eyes inhaling the intoxicating smell that was him. He pulls me from the tree and into the small meadow, into full moonlight. Looking at me again I see him open his arms for me. I cannot help but move toward him. Once close enough his arms engulfed me completely as did his soul binding kiss. When I opened my eyes again I found myself in Darkness’ Embrace.
Side note to you, Ask yourself where is she when she opens her eyes?
"A poem is never finished, only abandoned." - Paul Valery