“Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile” - Nat King Cole

This song. It’s in my head and won’t leave but it also effectively describes my mood currently. I love my husband but it appears that I really must fresh start my whole “intimacy” with him every time he comes home from a deployment. This is the only logical conclusion I’ve come to seeing as how it’s silly to have a conceived notion of us having sex when e first comes home. I look at the long event that will be our Christmas leave. I think of the troubles and issues that we will come across not in having a relaxing time but in the over all conclusion that there will be no sex.

Maybe there is something wrong. Maybe I’ve fucked up. Maybe I’m not thin enough or pretty enough maybe he just doesn’t find me sexually attractive. Maybe we were just two people so desperately alone and in need of finding someone who would take us how we are that we bonded together and took it too far.

Maybe I don’t know him at all.

Is this just the after effects I me having given my virginity to him and me not being his first?

How do I talk to him about it? He doesn’t want to talk about having sex. He doesn’t want to talk about intimacy. He doesn’t want to talk about ways to make our sex life anything more or above what it is: six to twelve times a year. Does he say he want a kid but doesn’t want to do the baby making part of it? Why can’t I let this just go? Ahhhrrrrrgggg.

Regardless of what it is. I’ll just try to follow the song and smile.

There is a point that I wonder what is going on in my subconscious. In all points and accounts I should be in a great mood I had a week off. I have friends to hang out with and projects to do and a bunch of other great things.

Yet I’m pissy and upset. And want to snap at the people around me. Blah. Hormones I guess. /rage quit life.

In the cool folds of darkness the world of sleep eludes me. Safe and sound. Carefree and calm. I know not why but I fight with my subconscious on who should be dominate over my brain. I will lose in the end. For a multiple of hours and once I reclaim myself I will be happy and rested. This still doesn’t explain why sleep is chased away right now. Hopefully I’ll get an answer but until then I’ll wait and watch the stars move across the sky.

When in a relationship we often find ourselves in situations, both big and small, where problems arise. Why is it so important that we win or lose every situation?

This particular question arises from the purchase of a new router and my husband’s opinion of what the new router password will be. He has picked out a router of a brand that I don’t trust and have has issues with in the past. Now I am stuck with it. I didn’t fight over this. I proceeded to comment on what the new router password will be. I had created and memorized our old one, a more complex combination of numbers. He could never remember the password though once it was saved on his devices it really didn’t matter.

Any way. We started going back and forth over the password. Taking my extremely good mood and great day I was having and slowly turning it down into a moderate to bad day.

Lines of the argument included but were not limited to:

Him- “Why do you want to use that type of password any way it’s too long and confusing?”

Me - “Because I want no excuse or chance of anyone guessing the password.”

Him- “No one is going to guess that password and if they can get past the password on the router they can get past your bank password and that’s the more important one to keep safe.”(implying that my bank password is simple and easy to guess. Which it is not.)

Me - “Why are you making such a big deal out of this? I just want the router to be protected and locked”

Him - “Why are you making such a big deal out of this I just want a different password.”

Me - “And I just want to feel like its secure”

There were more points thrown about including about how it wasn’t that difficult to memorize the code.

Needless to say his final statement of the argument was “Why can’t I just get what I want?” I made a choice. I could have gone into a number of reasons why or rather a number of arguments that would have ended up making. Both our days worse. Or I could bite the bullet.

I bit the bullet. Some place in the back of my mind all I could hear was pick your battles.

I told him in a voice that the kids I look after would know for unhappy and more then a bit pissed off. He either didn’t pick up on it or didn’t care.

Now I’m sitting here questioning what battles I want to fight and what ones I want to accept defeat on. What I want to fight for and what isn’t worth my time.

Let go of the little things and let the big things be what causes waves and wake in the waters of your life.

- Z & B